my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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