Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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