Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
