yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
