youre lurking in front of me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
