what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
