I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
