Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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