u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
