I just cut my nipple shaving
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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