just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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