you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
