Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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