you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
