What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
