He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
