I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
