Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
