she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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