I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
