I think my fart just growled at me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
