Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
