a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
