On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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