just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
