So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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