Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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