I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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