Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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