alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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