i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
