remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
