The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that's an acceptable place to lick
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
