i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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