I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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