On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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