What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
