I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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