If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
