I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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