Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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