Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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