I've blown a few things in my day
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
