The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
