You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
