sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
