hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
