What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
