My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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