y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
