things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
