so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
