there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
