when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
