I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
