I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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