i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
