I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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