While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
